Crazy

 

Is it still considered crazy if you are fully aware that you are crazy?

no. right? maybe.
what if i recognized my own tendencies
and did nothing, to fight them off.

Sometimes I go eighteen hours without food.
It’s the only way to punish myself for not being productive
because the thought of weighing any less than I do now
terrifies me.
It’s important to be productive.
because, you have to be productive.
You can’t just keep repeating the same mental patterns
getting trapped in cycles of consumerism
and acquisition of perishable moments
You have to be productive
Life is to precious to be wasted away
they say
I know but still
sometimes I waste away
sometimes I waste away

4am pirouetting on my kitchen floor
an hour or two sitting in front of a mirror
and sometimes more
walking from dining room to kitchen
to living room to kitchen to dining room to kitchen
I’d call it depression, only I smile too much.

When you lose control of the steering wheel
who takes it?
Because if control is something that’s tangible
when you lose it, someone else must gain it.
So when your driving down the parkway
doing eighty-nine, creeping on ninety,
windows down
and rain darting in
and on your face is an unbearable grin
and you let go, of all control,
who takes it?

Is it, the grip of your tires against the pavement?
Is it, the wind? Is it, the driver in the other lane?
Is it, a baby bottle, dropped from a stroller and returned to a mother
or my inability to sit down and read through the bible
is it the man who shot to feed his kids
or the color of the dead man’s bleeding lips?
Does it get dispersed, divided evenly among all of these things?
Who takes it?

Maybe if I knew,
I’d stop doing pirouettes on my kitchen floor at four AM
spotting the window
spinning round and round again,
just waiting,
to see who’s face, if anyone’s, I’ll see looking in.

Erin Anastacia